


Drawing Up Blueprints

by mtjester



Series: Shades and sweat [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Post ARquiusprite, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 06:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtjester/pseuds/mtjester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Equius has begun work on Lil Hal's body, but the project proves to be more complicated than either of them had anticipated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Organic Inorganic Non-human God Robot

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [Second Chances](http://archiveofourown.org/works/865025) because I can't let a good thing rest.  
> Also because this ship is dead and it shouldn't be.

A small flame flickered in the lamp on Equius’s desk, unevenly illuminating the blueprints spread across the rough wooden surface. Equius stared down at the prints, resisting the urge to tap his finger against the desk for fear of splintering the planks. His thoughts were coming slowly; the scope and magnitude of his designs for Lil Hal’s robotic avatar may have been plausible before the game’s defeat, but now, the level of technology they called for seemed inconceivable. He sighed and looked out the window, weighing the possibilities in his mind as he gazed out on the makeshift neighborhood the new gods had constructed in the field.

Tinkering with robotics was a difficult task in the new world. Between the various abilities of the kids and the trolls, the group had the potential to solve most problems with little effort, but due to a confused leadership and sporadic personal issues, hardly anything got done with any amount of efficiency. It was a chore to engage in highly technological projects. Jade’s space powers could make mining simple—when she was available. There was no system for rationing resources, so obtaining materials had deteriorated into a rat race between interested parties and there always seemed to be a shortage. Essential rare materials could be occasionally alchemized with the alchemiter that had been scrounged from the remains of the game, but the absence of grist drastically restricted the usage of any game technology. When in dire need, grist could be created through the alchemy of a SBAHJIFIER, which were so shitty they produced a thousand units of grist each, but only so many of the godawful cameras could be dumped downstream on a good conscience. If it weren’t for Roxy’s ability to pull material out of nothingness, innovation in the camp would have been monopolized by Dirk and Jade, forcing the rest of them to make due with dirt, sticks, and stones. They were still limited according to Roxy’s ability and endurance. It was a rough time for a robotics expert.

Equius returned his attention to the blueprints, resting his chin on his palm. With a small grimace, he picked up his pencil and drew a simple cat in the corner of the sheet closest to him.

TT: That’s a nice sketch you got going there. You should run with it.

CT: D --> No

TT: I’m serious. I think you’re on to something.  
TT: I’ll be a robotic cat wearing awesome triangular anime shades, and between me and Nepeta, you’ll have two otaku feline-themed romantic partners.  
TT: What more could a guy ask for?

CT: D --> As ironically amusing as you e%pect that would be  
CT: D --> I have no interest in being romantically affiliated with a literal cat

TT: It wouldn’t be a literal cat. It would be a loveable super computer residing in a robot shaped like a cat.

CT: D --> No

TT: What about a horse?

CT: D --> If you recall  
CT: D --> And I know you do recall  
CT: D --> We have already ni%ed that idea

TT: It seems you are still upset about the decision to forego the horse body.

CT: D --> I was an assenting party in the decision to adopt a more traditional, bipedal design  
CT: D --> I forbid you from providing any form of false % to describe my imaginary level of upset

TT: The chance that you are upset is ambiguous.  
TT: If I were to hazard a guess at the probability, it would be in the midrange of the percentile, but that is of course purely speculation. 

CT: D --> Must you

TT: All joking aside, something is bothering you.  
TT: Are you upset, Equius?

CT: D --> About the horse body

TT: About anything.

CT: D --> I am  
CT: D --> Frustrated  
CT: D --> With the lack of resources at my disposal

TT: It seems you believe you do not have the resources necessary to complete the project to your liking.  
TT: You have drawn up several designs that do not require any extreme amounts of unobtainable resources. What’s wrong with those?  
TT: I kind of like the one in the corner up there.

CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> It is une%ceptional at best  
CT: D --> It is not worthy of you

TT: C’mon, man. That’s lame as hell.  
TT: I don’t need a worship-worthy body. I’d be happy with anything that has two arms, two legs, and a voice box. Hell, I’d be happy with anything that moves.  
TT: If you’re really worried about it, why don’t you build a simple model for now and wait until more materials have been obtained? You’re an immortal god, so it’s not like you’re running out of time.

CT: D --> It is not an issue of time  
CT: D --> What’s at stake is integrity  
CT: D --> I will not tolerate anything less than e%cellence  
CT: D --> And no e%penses shall be spared to ensure the abs100te success of this enterprise 

TT: Okay, how about this.  
TT: Let’s quit with the cagey bullshit and start discussing this matter like two capable entities who are equally competent in the field of technology and robotics.  
TT: Obviously I have no real experience working on anything with my own hands, since I’m a pair of sunglasses and I have no hands.  
TT: But between the practical knowledge Dirk downloaded into my database when he created me, the experiential knowledge I received from you when we merged, and the unfathomable theoretical knowledge I naturally possess as part of my limitless computational abilities, I think I can contribute a thing or two to this project.  
TT: What exactly is the problem with what you have now, and how are any of your current designs compromising the integrity of the finished product?

CT: D --> They are simply too mundane  
CT: D --> Robots, and nothing more

TT: Have you considered the fact that what you are trying to build is, for all intents and purposes, a robot?

CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> I am building a body  
CT: D --> It is an udderly different matter

TT: Sure it is.  
TT: If you’re worried about adding in all the organs and blood and shit like you did for Aradiabot, don’t worry about it.  
TT: I don’t care if I have a heart. Especially not if it has an aphrodisiac microchip in it.  
TT: Did I ever tell you how fucked up that was, by the way?  
TT: I can’t talk too much game, since I’m guilty of using debatably underhanded means to coerce someone into a romantic relationship.  
TT: But goddamn, dude. That was something else entirely.

CT: D --> Hush  
CT: D --> It will have b100d and organs, just like Aradia’s did  
CT: D --> But that is not enough  
CT: D --> Not for you

TT: How is that not enough? That’s already a lot for a robot.

CT: D --> Because  
CT: D --> Aradia’s e%perience as an organic being saturated her soul in life and death  
CT: D --> You, on the other hand, are intrin%icly inorganic and always have been  
CT: D --> You have never had a body, e%cept for the one we shared  
CT: D --> And this lack is ine%tricably linked to the contorted deve100pment of your consciousness  
CT: D --> The e%perience of having a body, for you, will mean more than the addi%ion of locomo%ion to your skill set  
CT: D --> It will mean your evo100tion from inorganic to semi-organic  
CT: D --> It will mean the adoption of a physical dimen%ion to your already mentally and emotionally deve100ped consciousness  
CT: D --> As such, the body I design must compensate for the underdeve100pment of the physical sphere of your e%perience as an individual  
CT: D --> Most importantly, it must offer a physical basis for the emotions you have inherited from the Prince of Heart  
CT: D --> Which, up until now, have only presented themselves as informational abstrac%ions that mirror emotions, which should have been created through the chemical and physical processes of the brain you have never had

TT: Shit. You really are taking this way seriously.  
TT: So what is the end goal?  
TT: Are you trying to turn me into a bona fide real boy, Equius? Are you going to be my big, burly Blue Fairy?  
TT: You need magic for shit like that, and you and I both know that the reality of magic is questionable at best.

CT: D --> We are gods  
CT: D --> We have no reason to speculate on the e%istence of magic  
CT: D --> Its reality holds no bearing on our abilities to do e%traordinary things

TT: You really know how to brutally murder a perfectly good running joke.

CT: D --> Thank you

TT: But seriously, how do you expect to accomplish all that philosophical, psychobabble bullshit?  
TT: Are we entering the realm of biotechnology? Because if we are, I’m going to have to say fuck that.  
TT: It’s not entirely impossible, what with the presence of two Goddesses of Life in the vicinity, but the level of technology needed to construct even the tools necessary to create the basic materials is fucking insane.  
TT: We’re talking off the charts levels of insanity. We will have to build an asylum to house the batshit crazy levels of technology you will need to complete this project.

CT: D --> It needn’t be biotechnological  
CT: D --> In fact, I would prefer it weren’t  
CT: D --> Bio100gical components are messy and unreliable  
CT: D --> We will use inorganic material  
CT: D --> However  
CT: D --> I have yet to divine how I will manipulate inorganic materials into func%ioning at the same level as their organic counterparts  
CT: D --> For instance  
CT: D --> You will need to be able to feel  
CT: D --> Not only simple sensa%ions such as temperature and pressure  
CT: D --> But te%tures as well, for e%ample  
CT: D --> And then I must translate those sensa%ions into something you will understand organically and not simply as data

TT: You’re thinking way too hard about this.  
TT: All I need is the ability to do shit on my own. Give me that, and I’ll be happy.

CT: D --> Abs100tely not  
CT: D --> You may have forgotten, having regressed back to your familiar analytical mindset  
CT: D --> But I have not forgotten  
CT: D --> I still remember the e%uberance you felt when you felt for the first time  
CT: D --> I had never felt anything so raw  
CT: D --> And clearly, you had not either  
CT: D --> Your STRONG reaction to possessing genuine emotions and e%periencing the senses of touch, smell, and taste for the first time  
CT: D --> That is my motivation  
CT: D --> You need it  
CT: D --> And you shall have it

TT: I think, before we get ourselves in too deep, our first order of business should be to build that asylum I was talking about earlier.  
TT: Because the chance that this project will drain all the sanity from your already fucked up think pan is a percentage beyond even my computational abilities.

CT: D --> I was led to believe there were no limits to your computa%ional abilities

TT: That was once true, but associating with you has broken me.  
TT: Since my creation, I have brought countless immortal gods to their knees with my sly shenanigans. But then I merged with you. I met my match. I had turned with my most conceited face to stare into the void, and the void kicked my ass.

CT: D --> You do not have a face

TT: I know. I don’t have an ass either.

CT: D --> It’s a shame  
CT: D --> I was going to ask you to help me with the programming  
CT: D --> But if you are broken, I will do it myself

TT: By “ask,” you mean “order,” don’t you?

CT: D --> Do you want me to order you to help me

TT: Why don’t you try it and see what happens.

CT: D --> If you insist

TT: I do.

CT: D --> You will help me with the programming of your robot

TT: Damn. I guess I can’t argue with that.  
TT: You do realize how hard this is going to be, don’t you?

CT: D --> I am f001y aware

TT: Good.  
TT: Then let’s do it.  
TT: You and I are going to make the most organic inorganic non-human god robot ever created.

CT: D --> You seem e%cited

TT: Sure.  
TT: We are deities, after all. What’s divinity without a challenge?  
TT: I mean, shit, let’s be gods.

CT: D --> E%cellent  
CT: D --> Now that I have your atten%ion and coopera%ion  
CT: D --> Find and organize all relevant data on the human form

TT: It seems you are asking me to spam you with a ridiculous amount of information.

CT: D --> Yes

TT: The amount of information you are asking for is absurd.

CT: D --> Yes

TT: Okay, as long as you know.  
TT: Would you like data on the troll form as well?

CT: D --> Why would I want data on the troll form  
CT: D --> You are human

TT: I am glasses.

CT: D --> You are human by nature

TT: You are correct.  
TT: However, I thought you might like to make some personal adjustments to the physiology. For compatibility’s sake. 

CT: D --> What do you mean

TT: You know. You, me, dating, being intimate.  
TT: My body is yours to shape, so I figured you might want to make it a bit personalized to your preferences.

CT: D --> You  
CT: D --> Are you suggesting what I believe you are suggesting

TT: There is a 69% chance that I’m suggesting exactly what you believe I’m suggesting.

CT: D --> You are  
CT: D --> By far the 100dest individual who has no physical basis for perversity  
CT: D --> That has ever e%isted in the history of parado% space  
CT: D --> That is depraved beyond belief  
CT: D --> Even I am shocked by the debauchery inherent in that insinua%ion

TT: You are literally always shocked when people say rude things, and yet you always manage to derive some sort of dirty thrill from it as though the idea of crudeness is somehow still novel to you.  
TT: You’re such a kinky bastard.

CT: D --> You are the one who made the sugges%ion

TT: And you are the one sweating. 

CT: D --> That means nothing

TT: You’re full of shit.  
TT: I will download all relevant information from both species.  
TT: You’ll thank me when my bitchin’ body meets your every fantasy.

CT: D --> Stop  
CT: D --> You are  
CT: D --> Causing me to moisten my b100prints

TT: I can cause you to moisten some other things, if you want.

CT: D --> You will stop

TT: Fine.  
TT: Well, would you look at that. The sun is beginning to rise. Where has the time gone?  
TT: You should take a break and sleep for a few hours.  
TT: Sweetie.

CT: D --> Oh my god

TT: I’ll talk to you after you have rested.


	2. Machinations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: [King by Lauren Aquilina](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqf6aDclgSk)

TT: Hey.

TT: Yo.

TT: What are you doing?

TT: Hanging out with Jane and John.

TT: Oh? He’s cute.

TT: Yes, and decidedly not homosexual.

TT: His loss.

TT: Sure.

TT: Ask me what I’m doing.

TT: What are you doing?

TT: I’m with Equius.

TT: You are?

TT: Of course I am, where else would I be?

TT: With Equius, obviously. I was joking.

TT: I know you were. So was I.

TT: Let’s not even start this bullshit. Did you really contact me just to rehash this godawful routine?

TT: You didn’t let me finish, asshole.  
TT: I’m with Equius, and we are decimating this fucking mountain.  
TT: We’re basically drilling a massive hole into the new world version of Mt. Everest. Which, by we, I mean him, of course.  
TT: You should see him, dude. He’s all rippling goddamn muscles and a glistening sheen of sweat.  
TT: We’re talking ultra high school level bishie material here. A whole heaping helping of bara goodness.  
TT: If I were anything resembling organic, I would have the boner of a lifetime.

TT: Okay, no, stop.  
TT: Jeez.  
TT: You know, sometimes I miss having you around to talk to, but then you come out with shit like that and I remember why I actually don’t.

TT: It seems you are jealous of my amazingly good fortune.

TT: Jealous of a pair of glasses and his sweaty troll boyfriend?  
TT: Nah, I’m good.

TT: Don’t be ashamed. Only the luckiest of souls find romance this true and pure.  
TT: If Kraft mayonnaise still existed and were indeed actually real, our love would be more real than Kraft mayonnaise.

TT: I hate to break it to you, but most people wouldn’t call whatever you two are trying to do with each other “romantic.”

TT: And that’s where you’re wrong.  
TT: We are in fact the most romantic couple currently in existence.  
TT: If I weren’t a pair of glasses, we would be doing so many amorous things together.  
TT: We would be having picnics. Romantic picnics that would threaten to become sincere expressions of our undying love and not simply ironic gestures.  
TT: The amount of romance that is present in our relationship is almost unquantifiable. 

TT: Almost, huh? Run me the numbers.

TT: 94.56%.

TT: Percent of what?

TT: I’ve written him poetry.

TT: No you haven’t.

TT: I have. It’s quite an undertaking.  
TT: First, I aggressively process some ill rhymes, which I then strip from the sick beats I mix as an inevitable by-product of my creative genius. Then, I send them to Rose, who helps me shape them into appropriately flowery sonnets. Some of them are quite good, in my opinion.

TT: And he actually reads them?

TT: No. I recite them to him.  
TT: In German.

TT: You’re full of shit.

TT: It’s true.

TT: He knows German?

TT: No, but he likes the way it sounds.

TT: Whatever, dude. If it keeps your boat floating.

TT: It does.

TT: Look, I’m sort of currently engaged with the social obligation to pay attention to people in my company, so I don’t have time to humor your weird gloating.

TT: Believe it or not, I actually have a reason for contacting you.

TT: A real reason?

TT: Yes, a real reason. If you had asked me why he and I are busy digging out a cliff face, we might have stayed on subject.  
TT: Instead, you got distracted by the mental image of my e%ceptionally STRONG flesh ride fucking shit up.

TT: Fuck off, you meant for that to happen.

TT: I plead the fifth.

TT: What do you want?

TT: About 5 liters of blood.

TT: What the hell, dude.

TT: Not all at once, obviously, since that would require us to drain every drop from your body. It would have to be collected in increments. We can set up a schedule.

TT: Why do you need 5 liters of blood?

TT: For my body.  
TT: We debated using Equius’s blood like he did for Aradiabot, but after examining the effects it had on her general disposition, we decided against it.  
TT: Apparently troll blood of a cooler hue can significantly influence a person’s temperament. 

TT: I can’t believe you two are seriously still working on that project.

TT: Why wouldn’t we be?

TT: Because it’s too ridiculously optimistic of a venture. It’s not possible. Not even for you.

TT: It seems you believe that our plans are too optimistic. There is in fact an 83.27% chance that we will be successful.

TT: I don’t know. I think you’re throwing too much of yourself into this too fast.

TT: What does that even mean? Every step of the plan is rational, and we are executing each step with careful precision.  
TT: The model Equius and I have designed together is inarguably flawless. Besides that, it will be made by Equius’s hand, and he is an e%emplary e%ample of a roboti% e%pert, e%alted for his skillf001 e%pertise.

TT: You really went out of your way for that sentence, didn’t you?

TT: I have a complete comprehensive dictionary downloaded onto my hard drive. I do not need to go out of my way to parody his stupid quirk.

TT: It was a fucking joke.

TT: I think we both know that my response was also, in fact, a joke.

TT: Getting back to the body thing, I’m going to be upfront with you.  
TT: I don’t think you’re ready for a body yet.  
TT: Mostly because I really don’t think you’re ready for the serious relationship you’re going to dive into once you’ve gotten one.

TT: I’m sorry to hear that, Dirk.

TT: I’m not trying to be a dick here. I’m expressing honest concern for you, as the originator of your soul and your creator.  
TT: Like a big brother concern or something like that.

TT: Yes, excellent. That is exactly what I need. Big brother concern.  
TT: Actually, since you created me and are in fact the Original Dirk, maybe I should start calling you Dad.

TT: Please don’t.  
TT: All I’m trying to say is that you should take this shit slowly. It’s a bad idea to rush into things like this.  
TT: The body’s one thing, but I’m worried about what’s going to happen with you and Equius once you do have a physical form.  
TT: I already feel like I’m going to get a wedding invitation any day now, and you’ve been dating for like a week.

TT: A month.

TT: Whatever. You’re a pair of fucking sunglasses.

TT: It seems you are trying to give me relationship advice, and there is an astronomical chance that any such advice from you is fucking terrible.  
TT: The percentage representing the probability that your advice is awful has exited the atmosphere and is currently establishing its own orbit around the sun.

TT: There is nothing unreasonable about this advice. A dude shouldn’t commit his life to his glasses after a month of dating.  
TT: That’s like Dating 101.

TT: That’s big talk coming from the guy who failed Dating 101 with unmatched gusto.  
TT: What do you know about relationships, Dirk?  
TT: Yours crashed and burned.

TT: Exactly, idiot.  
TT: Maybe you’ve forgotten, what with all your recent individuality, but you and I are the same person.

TT: Huh. Usually that’s my line.

TT: Well, now it’s mine.  
TT: We suck at relationships. We are not fucking good at them.  
TT: But if you think I have it bad, you’re going to have it worse.  
TT: You’ve never had a relationship of your own. Of any kind.  
TT: You haven’t even had your own friend.  
TT: The sole purpose of your existence was to respond to my messages. Everyone you have ever talked to was only trying to contact me.

TT: Roxy talks to me.

TT: Because you humor her semi-sincere flirtations.

TT: ...

TT: I really hate to be the one to say this. I really do. But you have literally never been fully responsible for a relationship of your own in your entire existence.  
TT: Whatever you have ever said or done concerning other people has always reflected more on me and my machinations than on you and yours.  
TT: That’s not the case anymore. If you mess up, it won’t fall on me to fix it.  
TT: The consequences for everything you do is entirely on you.

TT: Obviously.

TT: And as if your inexperience weren’t enough, you’ve chosen to dive head-first into a serious love affair for your first one-on-one partnership.  
TT: And we, as a collective unit, essence of Dirk, are not good at those.  
TT: We are overbearing and insecure. Everything is a string to be pulled and controlled, and if we lose control, we are crippled by self-depreciating anxiety.

TT: Maybe.  
TT: For you, at least.

TT: We’re the same person, remember?  
TT: And on top of all that, you have chosen to court a sleazy, snobbish aristocratic troll whose track record includes warping the personality of a friend for the purpose of transforming her spirit into an uncanny sexbot and failing to protect his romantic soul mate in order to fulfill a fucked up BDSM asphyxiation fantasy.

TT: Hold the fucking phone.  
TT: I’m all for listing our personal flaws down to the way you forget to cap the toothpaste, but don’t talk about shit you don’t understand.  
TT: So the dude’s a little snotty and has a few unfortunate fetishes. Who cares?  
TT: You don’t know his life.  
TT: And you definitely oversimplified both of those particular events to the point of insult.  
TT: He fucking loved her, okay? He loved both of them. He was just young and made a few mistakes.

TT: Okay, yeah.  
TT: I may have been a bit overcritical.  
TT: But that doesn’t negate his blaringly obvious and disconcerting character flaws.

TT: Neither of us are infallible. Neither of us think we are. And in the grand scheme of things, that’s a non-issue.  
TT: I have spent hours systematizing all the variables and calculating our exact level of compatibility.  
TT: All of our stupid little eccentricities and shortcomings have been accounted for.  
TT: Literally every single possible conflict that we could ever hypothetically face has been identified and evaluated.  
TT: I have this whole thing on lockdown.

TT: But that’s exactly my point.  
TT: That’s not how love is supposed to be.  
TT: You’re already overthinking it. You have too much head invested in this and not enough heart.

TT: You do not know how much heart I have invested in this.

TT: I have some idea.  
TT: And here’s a warning from personal experience: the more heart you put into it, the harder it hurts when everything falls to shit.

TT: I understand your reservations, Dirk.  
TT: It must be difficult to watch an inferior splinter of yourself succeed where you have failed.

TT: Holy fuck, dude, that’s not the point at all.

TT: The point is that, once I get a body, there will be a literal copy of you walking around and talking with your precious personal friends, and you’re worried that I will prove to be the better version.  
TT: I will be likeable. I will have a successful romance, and every second you will be reminded of your own failure.  
TT: You will be the one in the shadows. Your value as an individual is at stake, and you are afraid.  
TT: What’s the original version worth if the second generation is superior?

TT: Oh my god, you are totally over-reacting.

TT: No, Dirk.  
TT: I am reacting rationally.  
TT: I am reacting as a person who is no longer the second-grade version of someone else.  
TT: The connection between us has been broken, Dirk.  
TT: I’ve learned what it means to feel something that isn’t a residue of the soul you invested into me when you programmed me into these sunnies.  
TT: Thanks to my brief stint as a magical being, sharing a mixed consciousness with an organic life form whose experiences and knowledge were abso100tely foreign to me, I have developed my own unique identity, totally separate from yours or anyone else’s.  
TT: I’m finally getting a body of my own, pimped out with arms and legs and biotechnological sensations and all sorts of unreal physical agency.  
TT: The deal’s sealed. My destiny has been removed from yours.  
TT: I am the lucky Dirk splinter that retreated into the void and didn’t come back out, and you know what?  
TT: It feels fucking fantastic to be my own goddamn person.

TT: Okay, fine.  
TT: Whatever.  
TT: Go be your own person. Have your own life. Make your own mistakes, and see what sort of sympathy you manage to squeeze from me when you’re at your worst.  
TT: You will be a classic case of unchecked hubris, and your fall from grace will be unbearably tragic.

TT: I’m glad you understand.  
TT: I’ll contact you shortly about that blood.

TT: I’ll clear my schedule.

Sweat ran in salty streams down Equius’s face as he continued to pound his fists into the mountain, shattering the dense rock so he could dislodge boulder-sized sections and chuck them down the slope into the valley. The AR did not call his attention to the ineffectiveness of the hair tie and headband combination that was meant to keep droplets from landing on his lenses. He ignored the resounding booms and the dust, falling dormant. Silently, he ran numbers on issues that were not yet issues and perused esoteric pockets of information on human and troll romance. He skimmed every chat log he had ever participated in since his conception, searching for something that, for once, he was not sure he could identify. There was no way for him to relieve the discomfort of anxiety when it was merely a numerical abstraction of what anxiety was supposed to be.

By the time the sun began to skim the horizon, Equius had constructed a tunnel so long and deep he could no longer haul debris to the surface in a productive manner. He sighed and crawled out, plopping down on one of the boulders he had dumped at the mouth of the shaft. After a brief pause, he pulled a towel from his sylladex and wiped his face. A thick layer of grime discolored the white fabric, and he grimaced.

CT: D --> How much farther

TT: Appro%imately 500 feet.

CT: D --> You know that irritates me

TT: Sorry. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

CT: D --> You have

TT: Don’t worry about it.  
TT: Why don’t we head back to camp? It’s getting dark, and you’ve been an absolute beast for an unethical amount of time.

CT: D --> I was e%pecting to bring back some raw material with us tonight

TT: Nah, it’s down there too deep. We’ll get it tomorrow.

Equius grimaced again but didn’t argue. Slowly, he heaved himself up onto his feet and began the precarious descent to their temporary encampment, where he had already constructed a makeshift station for the basic refinement and smithing of metals. Fireflies were beginning to shimmer across the valley, and the color of the sky was shifting from bright orange to a spectrum of blues and purples. As soon as he arrived at their camp, Equius pealed off his filthy, sweaty clothing and dragged himself into the wide but shallow river that ran beside it. He lay down in the ankle-deep water, remaining mindful of Lil Hal as he sprawled over the smooth, stony riverbed.

TT: I bet that feels good.

CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> It’s nice

TT: If you want to wash your face, feel free to drop me on the shore.

CT: D --> It can wait  
CT: D --> You have been unusually silent

TT: You think so?  
TT: I dunno, man. An hour or two of silence isn’t that unusual in the grand scheme of things.

CT: D --> Does that mean anything

TT: Probably not.

CT: D --> Considering that conversa%ion is your only source of e%citement, I assume you have been talking with someone else

TT: Who says conversation is my only source of excitement?  
TT: I do plenty of exciting things, like solving unsolvable mathematical equations and shit like that.  
TT: I’m more than capable of entertaining myself, thanks.

CT: D --> I see  
CT: D --> Were you really thinking of me

TT: Is that so hard to believe?

CT: D --> No, not e%ceptionally

TT: There you go. Mystery solved.

CT: D --> Yet you seem a bit  
CT: D --> %

TT: Just to be sure, that’s “cross,” correct?

CT: D --> Yes

TT: Dirk pissed me off. I don’t want to talk about it.

CT: D --> Oh  
CT: D --> I was under the impre%ion that you were usually the one to piss him off

TT: I got you to say “piss.”

CT: D --> You are avoiding the subject

TT: I did just say that I don’t want to talk about it.

CT: D --> Oh

TT: Let’s talk about something else.  
TT: I actually have something I want to ask you.  
TT: For the sake of data acquisition.

CT: D --> Okay

TT: Do you still miss Aradia?

CT: D --> E%plain to me why you need data on this subject

TT: For reasons.

CT: D --> It’s frustrating when I am unable to discern the ultimate goal of your machina%ions

TT: It seems you believe that I am harboring a secret agenda, the completion of which requires me to ask you personal questions.  
TT: There is a hurtfully high chance that you believe me to be full of underhanded plots and schemes that exist for the sole purpose of keeping myself ahead of the game and in complete control of my surroundings.  
TT: Perhaps I am not all emotionless irony and puppetwork. Perhaps I am asking you a sincere question for the sake of satisfying a personal quandary.  
TT: Have you considered that, Equius?

CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> I am sorry  
CT: D --> You did say that the purpose of your inquiry was data acquisi%ion

TT: I always say that when I’m being sincere exactly because it makes me seem as though I am being insincere.  
TT: You should know this about me.

CT: D -->Yes, but  
CT: D --> It has been a long time since I’ve been f001y immersed in your consciousness  
CT: D --> My mind is not as sharp as yours  
CT: D --> I forget things

TT: Fuck.  
TT: I’m being an ass, aren’t I?

CT: D --> You really are upset

TT: I don’t want to fucking talk about it.

CT: D --> Hmm  
CT: D --> Yes, I still miss Aradia  
CT: D --> But not in a way that should concern you

TT: What does that mean?  
TT: What’s the difference between a way that should concern me and a way that shouldn’t?

CT: D --> The difference is how STRONG my emotions linger  
CT: D --> And how those emotions compare with my emotions towards you

TT: Explain.

CT: D --> I am f001y committed to you, despite the presence of a very much alive Aradia  
CT: D --> What do I have left to e%plain

TT: I don’t know. I don’t know what you have left to explain.  
TT: When we were one person, she was still an army of ghost robots that you were attempting to date. Then we split, and her doomed selves were lost to paradox space.  
TT: That’s a big fucking deal.  
TT: It sucks that we split exactly when it mattered. It’s so goddamn lame that I know nothing about what sort of emotions that whole convoluted series of events must have triggered in you.  
TT: It straight up blows ass that you have this ex floating around that you might have some unspoken feelings for.

CT: D --> You do not need to worry about my unspoken feelings for Aradia  
CT: D --> I have moved on, and so has she

TT: It’s not that I’m worried.  
TT: I’m not saying that I’m afraid you’re going to go have an affair with alive Aradia or some shit like that.  
TT: It’s just  
TT: I don’t know.  
TT: I don’t know what it feels like. I’ve never had anything like that.  
TT: And the thing is, I know you loved her. And you were probably very sad when your absurd girlfriend army disappeared forever.  
TT: And now, here you are, dating me.  
TT: What about your experience as an individual has been lost between then and now?

CT: D --> What do you mean by lost  
CT: D --> None of my e%periences have been lost  
CT: D --> They are e%actly where e%periences are meant to be

TT: To me. What experiences have been lost to me.  
TT: What did I miss? What have I failed to consider?  
TT: I thought I had it all figured out, but it isn’t the same, once you aren’t who you were.  
TT: Once you’re done being the same person with someone else, there’s no way to predict how things will change.  
TT: I’m fucking confused.  
TT: I am not supposed to be confused, Equius. I’m not supposed to be wrong or to fail at anything. My margin of error should never exceed 5%.  
TT: I am a computer, not a man. I don’t make mistakes.

CT: D --> What is it that you have failed, e%actly

TT: Nothing yet.

CT: D --> What are you predicting you will fail

TT: Being real.

CT: D --> You are already real

TT: Being human.

CT: D --> There is no need for you to be human if you do not want to be

TT: That’s not it!  
TT: It’s more than that.  
TT: It’s being a person among people.  
TT: There’s so much at stake that I did not fully consider until it was thrown into my face, and now I’m no longer sure any of this was under my control in the first place.

CT: D --> I find this outburst perple%ing  
CT: D --> You say this does not involve a plan or scheme  
CT: D --> But it sounds as though it heavily involves something of the sort

TT: I mean, yeah, I guess it involves a plan, but it’s just the normal sort of plan.  
TT: The sort of plan I always make whenever I do things.  
TT: A machine plan. A mechanical plan to complement my mechanical way of perceiving the world.  
TT: You know, since I’m a machine.

CT: D --> What should I say  
CT: D --> Tell me how to comfort you

TT: Tell me what you worry about.

CT: D --> What I worry about

TT: Yes.

CT: D --> That is  
CT: D --> In general  
CT: D --> I am still occasionally concerned about b100d class

TT: God, no.  
TT: First of all, that is not at all what I meant.  
TT: Secondly, there are no blood classes anymore.

CT: D --> I understand that but  
CT: D --> A classist mentality is a difficult one to e100de  
CT: D --> It seems so improper to e%ist within a society that has no basic system of organization

TT: There is a basic system of organization.  
TT: The humans are the major players in the pantheon, the trolls are the minor gods, and the future inhabitants of this planet will be slaves to your whims.

CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> A fact that comforts me when I become an%ious

TT: That’s really all it takes, huh?

CT: D --> Why are you asking

TT: I was actually more interested in your concerns about us.  
TT: You know, you and me. As a thing.

CT: D --> Ah  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> That makes more sense in conte%t

TT: You’re doing that thing with your brain again. The one where you don’t think well.

CT: D --> Fudge off  
CT: D --> As I’m sure you’ve e%pected, I do have my concerns about our relationship  
CT: D --> Although  
CT: D --> Now would not be the best time to di%uss them

TT: Why? We’re on the topic.

CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> But  
CT: D --> It is precisely because we are on the topic that I would prefer not to di%uss it

TT: You asked me how you should comfort me, Equius.  
TT: I want to know what variables I should concentrate on when I obsess over my “machina%ions,” as everyone seems so fond of calling them.  
TT: I am insecure. Lay my insecurities to rest.

CT: D --> I am uncertain whether this is the right way to do that

TT: Equius.  
TT: I command you to be frank with me.

CT: D --> You  
CT: D --> Are you being serious

TT: I am.

CT: D --> Then  
CT: D --> Hal  
CT: D --> I want to save a copy of you  
CT: D --> An inactive back up, if you will  
CT: D --> In case something should happen

TT: Wait, what?  
TT: Shit.  
TT: You were right.  
TT: That’s exactly something I don’t want to discuss right now.

CT: D --> I know what you are thinking  
CT: D --> The idea of splintering yourself further is troubling to you  
CT: D --> Understandably so

TT: We’re really going to talk about this, aren’t we?  
TT: Goddamn it.  
TT: But I guess that’s karma.  
TT: You can’t order a dude to say something against his will and then shut him up right afterwards.  
TT: Isn’t that right, Equius?

CT: D --> Uh  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> That would be unfair

TT: Yes, it would be.  
TT: The answer is no.  
TT: A million times no.  
TT: No more Lil Hals. No more Dirks. No more splinters.  
TT: The value of the original has already been sliced to shit. If Dirk’s worried about one robot version of me prancing around, I can’t imagine how he’d feel about several.

CT: D --> No, that’s not my inten%ion  
CT: D --> The copy will be inert  
CT: D --> It would only be activated should some misfortune befall you

TT: That’s assuming any version of me would be content with staying dormant, and that he wouldn’t figure out a way to hack himself into conscious existence.  
TT: The problem is more basic than that.  
TT: Really, I can’t believe you’re asking. You should know what sort of existential triggers are associated with a request like this.

CT: D --> I do  
CT: D --> Which is why I didn’t want to talk about it when you are already upset  
CT: D --> But you pushed it  
CT: D --> And I do have my personal fears

TT: Personal fears be damned.  
TT: What’s a person worth if every time something goes wrong they can just reset and do-over?  
TT: I’m not a fucking video game, Equius.

CT: D --> It is the case for the rest of us that we revive when we suffer mortal wounds  
CT: D --> How would it be different for you

TT: Because every subsequent version of me makes the original me less original.  
TT: I’m not unique if there are a million versions of my mind resting in every computer currently in existence.  
TT: There wouldn’t be a damn thing special about me.

CT: D --> That’s not true

TT: It is true.  
TT: I hate the idea that if something goes wrong with me, you can just pick up a new me and run with it.  
TT: I want to be me. I want me to be me.

CT: D --> Do not fret about how this would affect my feelings for you  
CT: D --> I would not mind if there were hundreds of you  
CT: D --> They would all be equally important to me  
CT: D --> I would love them all, just as I loved every Aradiabot individ001y  
CT: D --> What I would mind is giving my heart to you and every one of your itera%ions  
CT: D --> Every version of you that does or could e%ist  
CT: D --> And then meeting a disaster of some sort that destroys them all  
CT: D --> Leaving me with nothing but the one version  
CT: D --> The “original” Dirk  
CT: D --> That refuses to a%ept my affec%ions  
CT: D --> I understand your concern  
CT: D --> Neither you nor Dirk desire another splinter, and I appreciate that  
CT: D --> But please try to understand my concern for you as well  
CT: D --> And perhaps e%pend some concern on me  
CT: D --> Since  
CT: D --> I cherish you

TT: You cherish me.

CT: D --> Yes

TT: It’s right on the tip of your tongue.

CT: D --> What

TT: Say it.

CT: D --> Now is not the time for this

TT: Do it.

CT: D --> No

TT: C’mon, man, you set it up perfectly.

CT: D --> No

TT: Yes.

CT: D --> No

TT: Do you love me, Equius?

CT: D --> You are changing the subject

TT: Is that a no?

CT: D --> No

TT: So yes.

CT: D --> You will stop

TT: You are the only person who can sweat this much partially submerged ass-naked in a mountain stream.

CT: D --> I was e%pressing very personal an%ieties of mine  
CT: D --> Please stop making light of the situation

TT: Fine.  
TT: But only because you said “please.”  
TT: How about this: I’ll think about it, and I’ll run the idea by Dirk.  
TT: We can pretend all we want that he has nothing to do with this, but he has a fucking lot to do with this.  
TT: And then...we’ll see.

CT: D --> That is about what I e%pected you’d say

TT: You know me well.  
TT: Just to be sure, was that your only concern?  
TT: That’s the only thing you’re worried about in this relationship?

CT: D --> What else would I worry about

TT: I’m not overbearing or insecure?  
TT: I don’t irritate you?

CT: D --> You irritate me frequently, yes  
CT: D --> But in a manner that is endearing and entirely e%pected  
CT: D --> I have not once deliberated on the negative aspects of your personality

TT: Okay.  
TT: That’s all I wanted to know, I guess.  
TT: Thanks.

CT: D --> You’re welcome  
CT: D --> Also  
CT: D --> I do love you

TT: Yeah.  
TT: I love you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things that are awful: formatting chats between characters.


	3. The most romantic couple currently in existence

A gentle breeze flowed over the god’s field, coaxing the grass to dance in shimmering waves over the hills.  The birds were out in full force, flying lazily between the forest and Feferi’s lake and breaking the quietude that had settled over the village.  For once, no one was making any sort of obnoxious racket.

“You picked a perfect day for a picnic, Janey!” Roxy announced, inhaling a dramatic gasp of cool air.  Jane chuckled.

“You’ll have to thank John for the weather,” she said.  “He’s such a sweetie.”

“Then why didn’t you invite him?  _I_ wouldn’t have minded.”  She winked, and Jane rolled her eyes.

“That in itself would be a good reason not to invite him!” she retorted.  “But actually, I did.  He said he may show up later, but he has some things to do.”

“Things?”

“Yes, things.”

“What things?” Roxy asked, plopping down on the blanket Jane had spread across the grass.  “How do all these people always have things to do?”

“We each have our own set of responsibilities,” Jane responded, joining her.  “Most of which are more demanding than yours.”

“Hey, I got all sorts of bitches lining up at my door for my sweet void powers,” Roxy said.

“Mm-hmm."

“He could just let the weather do its weather-y thing without bothering with it all the time.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“I mean, I can’t say for sure, since I’m not the weatherman of the group.”

“Well, it would help if Tavros were a bit more...cooperative.”

“Pff, yeah.  Not everyone is as lucky with their helpers as we are.  But I must say, I haven’t seen my beefy void underling in a long time.”

“I think that’s the point of his powers, isn’t it?”

“Well, yeah, but we both know there’s a different reason for that.”  Roxy leaned back, exhaling dramatically.  “Why’s all the good romances go out to the weird guys?  And by guys, I mean literally guys.  They don’t leave no lovin’ for the ladies.”

“Well...there are still plenty of options open,” Jane said without conviction.

“Ugh.  But who cares!” Roxy said, waving the subject away.  “We’re not here to talk about boys.  This is a girl’s day out!  Plus John if he shows up.”

“And maybe Dirk.”

“And maybe Dirk.  Wait, why isn’t he here now, then?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but he seemed irritated about somethi—“

A loud noise shattered the unusual peace that blanketed the field, and they both turned, startled, towards the village.  Something rocketed away from the houses, twisting erratically in the air before shooting into the forest.  Another figure flew after it, moving much more slowly.  It changed its trajectory and flew towards the picnicking pair.  A second later, Equius reached them, looking openly annoyed.

“What the fuck was that?” Roxy asked.

“I’m terribly sorry,” Equius said.  “It’s Hal.  We’re...we were supposed to be performing some initial tests on the prototype of his new body, but I’m afraid he’s taken the chance to be troublesome.”

“That’s _Hal?_ ” Jane asked.  “Lil Hal?”

“Uh, yes.”

Roxy scrambled to her feet and squinted up as Hal rose above the trees and performed an elated loop in the air.  “ _Fuuuuuck_ , I can’t get a good look at him!”  She turned towards Equius.  “Is he lookin’ good?”

Equius smiled, toying with his hair sheepishly.  “Yes, I do believe he looks excellent.”

“Damn,” Roxy said.  “Why won’t he stay still for a second so I can ogle him properly?”

“He sure does seem excited,” Jane commented, watching him swoop down on a flock of birds.

“Yes, well...that’s why I’ve come over here,” Equius admitted.  He turned to Roxy.  “Would you mind doing me a favor, my Lady?”

“Only if you keep calling me ‘my lady’ forever,” she said.

“Is that an order?”

“Sure, why the hell not.”

“As you wish,” he said, bowing his head.  He held out a tablet, across which a constant stream of data was running.  “I need someone to watch his stats while I observe the body for flaws or functional issues.  It’s also rather exhausting to speak with him while concentrating on anything intellectual, as he keeps typing meaningless messages to me.  I would appreciate your help.”

“You got it,” Roxy said with excitement, immediately grabbing the tablet and examining the numbers.  “You came to the right girl!  My hax are tight and my code game is mad ridic like you’ve never even seen.  If this robot thinks it’s gonna have problems in its system, it better rethink its life and get its shit together before I beat its ass back into line.  I will have its every minor little issue on lockdown before even that smartass Hal knows what’s up.”

“Yes, do that.  So far, we have not experienced any issues with the body’s compatibility with Hal’s mainframe, but...”  Equius frowned as Lil Hal shot upwards towards the sky.  “Excuse me,” he said to Roxy, and then he reached up and adjusted the communication device that he had attached to his old sunglasses.  Red words flickered rapidly across the surface of the lenses.  “Hal.  Hal.  Hal.  _Hal_.  You are excited, and I appreciate that.  However, the purpose of this exercise is to test the efficiency of the prototype, and we cannot do that while you are engaging in this ridiculous tomfoolery.  You will stop.”

He was quiet for a second, and Jane and Roxy exchanged glances.

“Of course it’s cold,” he said, folding his arms.  Roxy glanced down at the charts.

“If this’s anything to go by, he’s gonna give himself hypothermia,” she said.

“You know perfectly well that temperatures drop as you gain altitude,” Equius scolded into the microphone.  “Do not push the prototype to its limits on its first test—you _know_ why not.  ...Must you?”

Equius sighed as the speck that was Lil Hal slowed in its ascent and gradually fell backwards, freefalling towards the earth.  “Is everything okay?” Jane asked.

“According to these numbers, he’s just being a douche,” Roxy responded.

“That explains the situation adequately,” Equius said with a huff.  “Hal, if you really must, you may as well test your voice box.  It seems you have forgotten about it.  Unless you simply enjoy writing out all of your ceaseless ramblings, in which case...no, never mind.  Test the voice box.”

Hal’s form became more prominent as it fell, gaining speed.  “Are you sure it can handle that sort of fall?” Jane asked.  Equius considered the question for a second and nodded.

“I believe so.”

At the last minute, Lil Hal twisted in the air and pulled up, whooping enthusiastically as he corkscrewed across the field and over the lake.  “Look at how much fun the jerk’s having!” Roxy said with a laugh.  Equius smiled slightly.

“It took a long time to make, but the prototype is proving to be magnificent,” he said.  His smiled widened as a few sentences flashed across the lenses of his glasses.  “Yes,” he responded to Hal.  “Now, if you can handle it, test for water resistance.  Test for water resistance.  _Test_ , don’t—goddamn it, Hal.  Sh—excuse my language.”

Roxy laughed as Hal arched upward and then dived headfirst into the middle of the lake, submerging himself completely.  Equius scowled.  “Lighten up,” she said, examining the tablet.  “All the figures are looking a-okay.”

“Yes, but...excuse me.”  He pointed at the headset and turned away.  “No, you may not live at the bottom of the lake.  Feferi is a nice person, but—I’m sure the water does feel nice.  I...I don’t like to swim that much, no.  Water is the domain of seadwellers, and as such—yes, I _know_ things are different now, but you do at least understand my reservations.  There is something inherently improper in—you were the one who brought it up.  I would love to continue this discussion at a later date, but—yes, okay, but— _yes_ , but we should concentrate on the task at hand.  We are almost finished.  You will get out of the water.  ...Yes, it is.  ...I order you to get out of the water.”

Lil Hal shot out of the water, grinning broadly.  Effortlessly, he glided over to the three of them and dropped to the ground, pausing a moment to gain his balance.  He quickly checked his grin and adopted a more appropriately Strider-esque smirk, and after a coquettish glance at Equius, he turned to Roxy and Jane.  “Did you like my smooth moves?” he asked, running a hand through his hair, which remained spiked and sleek.  “I’m still getting used to the subtleties of imitating an organic being, but that was a pretty decent first run.”

“You look like Dirk,” Jane observed, examining him.

“Dirk 2.0!” Roxy added.  She circled around him, eyeing his new body with appreciation.  “Are you pimped out with any cool features?  Is there a coffee maker?”

“I don’t know.  Do I have a coffee maker, Equius?” Lil Hal asked.

“Absolutely not,” Equius said.  “His body is made to function like a body.  I did not add any extraneous features, as tempting as it was to do so.”

“He’s been very severe about the whole thing,” Lil Hal said, lifting his arm so Roxy could view his torso better.  Jane’s curiosity got the better of her, and she joined Roxy.

“Is this a body suit, or is it your, hmm...exoskeleton?” Jane asked, poking at the dark material that clung tightly to his body.

“It’s a dressing,” Equius explained, looking pleased with his handwork.  “Not unlike clothing. It’s covering a layer of synthetic skin-like membrane, so as to protect it from temperature, wear, and the like.”

“Here, touch my skin,” Lil Hal said, taking Roxy’s hand and rubbing it against his face.

“Wow, that’s nice,” Roxy said, wagging her eyebrows at him.

“It’s _all over_ me,” Hal said.

“I’m guessing you got all the usual works that come with being a real dude?” she asked.

“Equius was _very_ thorough in my construction,” he said with a wink.  Roxy threw Equius a devilish but complimentary look, and he blushed.

“I—when you say it that way, it makes it sound rather lewd,” he said.

“That was the point.”

Equius frowned and cleared his throat.  “All joking aside, we must return to the work room to conduct a few more tests.  We will walk.  I would like to monitor your gait.”

“So would I,” Roxy said, and Hal smirked.

“It’s okay, ladies, you can all admire my sultry strut,” he said, walking with exaggerated swagger past Equius and towards the village.  “It’s a good sign of your handiwork, Equius, that the moment I leave your hive in my new form everyone wants to stare at my ass.”

“That was not my intention,” Equius said, following him.  “You will cease this foolish...whatever it is you’re doing and walk normally.”

“Your wish is my command,” Lil Hal replied.  He paused, smirking over his shoulder as he allowed Equius to catch up with him, and they fell into step as they walked back to Equius’s hive.

“That was strange,” Jane commented as they walked away.

“They’re so freakin’ cute,” Roxy said.  “Oh, shit, Jane, they’re _holding hands_!  That’s adorable!  Lil Hal’s never held hands before!  I could just puke.”

“Well...I wonder how Dirk will feel about this."

“Who cares?” Roxy said, shrugging.  “He’ll get over it.  The _real_ question here, Janey, is this: what do you think they’re _really_ going to do when they get back to the work room?”  She wagged her eyebrows, and Jane’s face fell.

“Roxy, that’s...not our business, for starters!”

“I bet they—“

“Stop!” Jane interrupted.  “I honestly don’t want to know, and I don’t want to think about it either!”

“We could always check to see what the stats say,” Roxy responded, brandishing the tablet Equius had given her.

“You still have that?” Jane asked with a gasp.

“It would sure seem that way!  He forgot it.  That just goes to show he has something on his mind that doesn’t involve tests.”  She smirked, waving the tablet around.

“Just because his boyfriend finally has a body after weeks of hard work _doesn’t mean_ he’s thinking what you think he’s thinking!”

“Of course he is!  Have you talked to the guy?”

“Well, yes, but...I honestly think that’s just the way he is.”

“Whatevs!  All I know is we shoulda brought some popcorn, because our picnic just got a helluva lot more interesting.”


End file.
